If this is not a parody, I’m naming my third-born child “Shakira the Great”.
In what I can only describe as an implicit dare, Laura from Brain Candy tracked down and posted a URL on my Twitter feed that, once visited, can never be forgotten. It’s a teensy bit (or a lot) NSFW, so I’ll meet you below the fold and we’ll have a bit of a chat about it there…
Right. So, the article Laura linked me to is titled Fisting and God’s Will, and it’s either a brilliant parody or one of the most brain-shattering things I’ve ever seen. For my own sanity, I have to choose to believe that it (and the site it is featured on) is an amazing parody. Complete with biblical references.
The sex act called fisting is a source of confusion and misconceptions for many Christians. This is unfortunate, because it means that many Christian men and women are depriving themselves of what could be the most spiritual sexual experience of their lives. Like anal sex and BDSM, fisting is often mistakenly associated with the gay community or is considered a sex act too extreme to be appropriate for Christian couples. Not only are these views incorrect, but fisting actually has a scriptural precedent, as we will show.
People often complain that you can interpret the bible to mean whatever you want. I used to agree with that, but these guys may just have won me over with their unique and insightful reading of the scriptures:
In the Song of Solomon, the Bible describes the act of fisting and the profound erotic bliss it induces: It is the voice of my beloved! He knocks, saying, “Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one”…My love thrust his hand through the opening, and my feelings were stirred for him. (Song of Solomon 5:2-4) Here we see the lover gently coaxing his companion to open up to him, metaphorically “knocking at her door,” preparing her sexually and emotionally to receive his hand inside her. Gradually he works more and more fingers into her, until the moment when her vagina yields and his hand slips fully inside her, thrusting “through the opening.” She then describes the powerful passion that this arouses in her as she envelopes his entire hand inside her body. Many couples describe this moment, as the fist makes full penetration into the vaginal opening, as transcendent and a sexual revelation. As the woman’s body accommodates her husband’s hand, both may experience a sense of physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual oneness.
Of course this, as any other spiritual act is not one that should be undertaken lightly. Guidance should be sought…
Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance. The husband should ask that God guide his hand and work through him, and for the skill and patience to fist his wife correctly and maximize her pleasure. The wife should pray for openness and readiness to receive God’s love and grace in the form of her husband’s hand.
This is probably the best line of the entire thing. So good in fact, that I want it printed up and put on a t-shirt:
Both should treat the act of fisting as a divine spiritual mystery to be entered into with reverence and awe, especially the husband.
Oh, and guys? If you’ve always wanting to try a bit o’ pegging, but have been worried that God might frown on you for doing so, there’s some good news for you too!
So far we have only discussed a husband fisting his wife, but some couples may wonder if it is appropriate for a wife to fist her husband if he enjoys anal stimulation. In most cases, a wife indulging her husband’s desire to receive light anal play is not problematic in the context of a healthy sexual relationship. A wife may even anally penetrate her partner with a strap-on dildo if he enjoys this, and if their respective roles as husband and wife are secure outside of the bedroom.
Brilliant! Someone ought to tell Ted Haggard…
Also, if anyone out there in Christian and is worried about anal sex, oral sex, or threesomes, they’ve got some Godly good news for you too! Now, if you’ll all excuse me a moment, I have to go scrub my brain out. I’ve got some horrible, Haggardly images in my head…
“If you’re going to have anal sex, why not just have regular sex?
This is a good question: If you’re going to have sexual contact before marriage, why not just go the whole nine yards and have regular sex? There are many good reasons for having anal sex instead……
……Pregnancy outside of wedlock can have dire and life-altering consequences for all those involved. Having anal sex allows you to greatly reduce this risk. …..Fortunately, you can engage in anal sex prior to marriage and still be able to share the deeper, more meaningful act of consecrated love through vaginal intercourse with your wedded spouse.”
What ever helps you sleep at night